my whole heart belongs to Johan

 

Before watching Monster, I was unaware of the concept of nihilism and everything related to it. However, after watching the anime, I realized how monstrous a person can become when in doubt about their own existence.

This anime transformed my perception of life, and to this day, I am still mesmerized by the devilish whisper of its magnificent antagonist. Although I am fully aware of his wrongdoings, I still hold immense sympathy for him.

The first reason why I think he is the best is not just because of his psychological complexity throughout the series, but because he is a well-presented embodiment of the dark side of a human being. From my perspective, Johan represents the dark side of a person, while Anna represents the good side. His tears at the beginning of the series symbolize his desire to be accepted by the good side, while he still hopes for forgiveness from his other half.

Second is his tremendous background. Imagine being born with a purpose, dressing up as your sister, and staying in a dark place throughout your whole childhood. I don't know when his monstrous side emerged—perhaps from a book he read, or maybe after hearing Anna's story in the Rose Mansion. However, as soon as he was released from his childhood house, the devil inside him exploded. They explained it was due to his desire to unite with his sister, but I don't find this convincing enough.

A devil who seeks the good side within himself by doing devilish things?

Johan charmed me with his manner and beauty, like many other characters in this anime. His voice seemed a bit feminine to me at first, but it makes perfect sense as it creates an ambience of mystery, soothing and dangerous at the same time. I could listen to his voice all day without getting tired. Sadly, like many people with exceptionally nice voices, Johan doesn't speak much, as it might decrease his power.

His emotional intelligence, not just intelligence, but emotional intelligence, strongly impressed me. He is able to convince, understand, and empathize with others so well that it is almost terrifying to watch him interact with people. Unlike many cold-blooded characters, Johan actually has sympathy and emotions due to his broken childhood. I felt rather hurt seeing him speak in front of his mother's painting and the sadness and despondency in his eyes when he meets Doctor Tenma. He was seeking forgiveness for his actions, but everything seemed too late for him in the end.

Johan is not ego-driven. He doesn't have a desire to win against anyone, not even Tenma. I think his request for Tenma to shoot him was simply an expression of his nihilistic ideals, as he doesn't truly believe in anything.

I wish I could tell him that he wasn't alone, that he wasn't a devil, that he is forgivable, and that his existence matters. I wish I knew his real name so I could call him by it many times. I wish he didn't have to suffer alone throughout the years and wasn't shot by his other half. The thin line between a fictional character and me... 

Will I myself become a monster?